Turn My Motor On

Anyone who knows me well will know that I do not have the highest sex-drive in the history of the human race. Whereas a lot of people would quite happily shag on a twice-daily basis, I'd much rather curl up on the settee with a nice mug of Yorkshire Gold tea and watch a Fred & Ginger movie

This is why it has been so easy to maintain a life of celibacy. Admittedly, I haven't exactly had to barricade my door from an army of unwanted suitors - I have often wondered if I am entirely lacking in pheromones and thus secrete no sexual allure - but it is also a choice on my part.

I cannot tell exactly how long it has been since I have enjoyed the company of a fellow human in an act of ferocious abandon but I do know it has been long enough to forget. I made 'celibacy' one of my New Year's resolutions. This way, no one could justly laugh in my face for being the shagless one. Now they can do it subtly behind my back.

The only problem is, there is something awakening inside me. I am beginning to get urges. I am beginning to feel like an elastic band stretched taught and ready to hurtle across the room toward an unsuspecting victim. It's like I am having an uncontrollable sugar rush.

Is this what nuns feel like on a daily basis? No wonder they sing! It's a way of screaming in tune!

It's getting to be embarrassing. After returning home from seeing my doctor last night I realised I was getting a bit of a crush on him. While he was taking my blood pressure I was daydreaming about all sorts of things. Well, what was I supposed to do - he's cute, fit and a doctor! La de da.

So, is this what celibacy is going to be like for me? A continual urge to frolic? Or will I have to give up the second of my three New Year's resolutions? Firstly my diary got covered in tandoori chicken sauce, so that threw that effort out of the window - now this… and I doubt I'll be able to stay sober for much longer.

Whatever happened to will power?