Wednesday, August 31, 2011

When Morning Comes*

Tomorrow (September 1st) is the beginning of my countdown to my next UK trip. That is one hundred days (not including the actual day of flight) to get into shape. When I say “in shape”, I have no intention of looking like Joe Manganiello for I could never achieve such perfection; I simply want to be fit, healthy and preferably weigh something less than 75kg.

I currently waver between 78 and 80 kg, depending on whether or not I’ve just had a big poo, but I am so keen to lose around 5 kilos. My dream would to be ‘David Tennant thin’ but I simply do not have that frame, sadly. I think I have child-bearing hips.

I plan to take note of everything I consume and imbibe each day and attempt to get back into my walking regime. I am not sure whether it is worth sharing with the World Wide Web my every chew and swallow (oo-er!) but I will ask for a virtual hand-holding along the way. I imagine there will be days when I will crack and I will be forced to down a bottle of cabernet sauvignon or demolish a lemon meringue pie… no doubt pizza will also creep in every now and again. (Hmmm, pepperoni…)

I will weight myself frequently and record the days and distances of the note-worthy ventures into the realms of reasonable exercise. It would also be interesting to see when I can get back into those jeans I bought about eight months ago. I was skinny enough to get into something appropriate for Generation Y back then, but it didn’t last long. The problem is that clothes made for the youth of today are not designed to accommodate buttocks or genitalia for some reason. Maybe it’s because the idiotic tossers wear everything too bloody low. (Don’t get me started!)

Some people may ask why I am doing this. People say; “You don’t need to lose weight!” to which I reply; “You haven’t seen me naked!”

It’s about how I feel. I lack so much confidence and when I am unhappy in my build, it just exacerbates my low-self image.

Recently, I attempted to join the dating game once more. I met with a few guys on a handful of occasions. Most of them seemed like very decent and likable guys, but I have so many personal issues that I cannot bring myself to inflict this bag of insecurities upon anyone until I am able to feel stronger in my own skin.

Despite a couple of semi-interested parties, I still felt a sort of rejection – even if it was enforced by my own negativity. With each encounter, I would end up alone at the end of the day and feel more distant from the world of relationships. It feels like I am a tree being felled – with each thwack of the axe, I become weaker and weaker, and I need to stop the damaging blows before I fall and make a minor impact into the surrounding eco-system.

I have removed my profile from the dating site and shall not return until I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I have got to offer.

So… in order to combat my insane self-induced depression brought on by my personally assumed inadequacies, I want to get fitter. I want to be lean. I want to be tolerable in my own vision as I stand naked in front of a full-length mirror.

Wish me luck!

* I am broadening my horizons as far as blog-entry titles go. I am venturing into other favourite bands and singers. This title is a song by Swing Out Sister. Look forward to some Beverley Craven, Will Young and maybe some Bucks Fizz!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Coming soon to a blog near you...

It's been a long time since I posted on this blog. I have been preoccupied with my other blog recently.
However, I shall return shortly.
I will have to give up on the Kirsty MacColl related titles as it became too difficult, but there is no reason I cannot use other songs/lyricists.

One thing that I want to focus on in the coming months is an attempt to lose weight (again). I want to be 75kg by Christmas. Do you think I can do it? I'm around 80kg currently. I will need some support, I think.