Hopes & Fears

A friend suggested I blog about some of the things that come up in my counselling sessions. I think he's right. I find writing very therapeutic...

I recently stumbled across on article on the Mamma Mia website that spoke of an app that is a place where people can admit to secrets and, in some cases, they confess to something hitherto made taboo. The great unspoken distaste for sex. It was something that touched my heart as I have often spoken about a fear of intimacy and it was oddly comforting to find that I was not alone. Some people say they hate the idea of people seeing their naked body (I can confess to having the same fear), some say they just find sex too painful and some simply say that they have no interest.

I do crave intimacy but I would be happy with hugs, cuddles and kisses. However, saying this out loud actually bemuses the majority of others. How often have I heard people say "If you don’t like sex, you’re obviously not doing it right" or "You haven’t met the right person"? Is it really that simple? I don’t think so.

This probably explains why I fall in love with straight men. I know deep down that there is no possibility of sexual interaction but I still get the joy of male company (although I cannot deny that I would love to snuggle up to them at times!)

A lot of things about sex actually repulses me. I gag at the thought of some of the acts. There is also a plausible argument to say that I am terrified of the loss of control one has during the orgasms. Words like ‘frigid’ are often bandied about when people have sexual issues. Those of us who aren’t as comfortable with our bodies or our prowess in the bedroom are often laughed at or dismissed as being freaks.

The truth is, I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to have a deep connection with someone – and I probably could perform the more intimate acts with someone I felt that bond with – but instead it is a barrier against anyone getting close to me and, as one of the people on the site said, I guess I will be alone forever… but I certainly hope not.

Of course, I could always make an exception...

Just a hug will do...

Losing Myself*

Just a quick blog post to fill people in a bit as I've been a bit of a lurker on Facebook rather than a proactive blogger recently.

The ol' depression has been a virulently persistent demon of late; partly brought on by the death of Fizzgig, but also due to the fact that I am so unhappy at work and at home.

One of the things that exacerbates the darker days is the knowledge that other people go through far worse and I beat myself up over it because I have no right to wallow in such maudlin self-pity.

I have also been having a few issues with my gut and I have had a few tests (blood tests, CT scans etc.) and all have been inconclusive to date. There will be more to come. It might just be all stress-related but it's best to go through the rigmarole of all these tests to get a satisfactory diagnosis.

My (handsome) doctor has put me on anti-depressants which irks me a bit as I don't think pills can cure the factors that are getting me down; but I am, reluctantly, giving my doctor the benefit of the doubt. I will also start seeing a psychologist again shortly in order to vent some of these dark thoughts that parade through my mind like a skulking, hungry panther.

I won't go into great detail here about the weighty chains of self-loathing etc. as it would be tiresome to all and sundry; just know that I am taking steps to come out the other side.

In a couple of weeks, I am going to have some time off work (as advised by others) and I intend to "regroup" myself (is that possible?)

I need to work out a new plan. I need to find a new life, new job and new goals.

Wish me luck!

(I should add that, without the support of my utterly incredible friends, I don't know where I'd be.)

*Going back to Will Young song titles for blog posts. Gosh, I love that talented, handsome man!