Touch Me

Oh, my!

I have developed a serious crush on my doctor. I was there again this evening and it was merely a check up to see how I am going on my medication (My blood pressure has dropped from 117 to 104 - that's quite a drop!) and to check my general health.
The doc is quite concerned about the prescription given by the hospital. He thinks it's too strong, but we will continue with it for a few more weeks and hope I get accustomed to it.
Anyway, we chatted about health, exercise. He weighed me, measured me (height, you filthy minded people!) (I am 87kg and 177cm - I could have sworn I was 178+!!)

Well, we ended up discussing all sorts of things including the gym, my relationship status (god, that's facebook talk, isn't it?) and the fact I haven't dated for over a year. I mentioned how I'd love to be as fit as he is. *blush* I mean, could I make it more obvious? I am utterly hopeless at flirting, but I don't think I could make it any plainer without leaning in for a kiss!

Let me describe him; he is reasonably tall, slim, broad chest, Asian, with a beautiful smile and a pleasant demeanour.

OK. I shall stop swooning over him now. I imagine he has this effect on most of his patients.

*GET A GRIP, BEN!*

Am I Right?

• I would like a pair of underpants with the slogan ‘may contain traces of nuts’ printed on them.
• I wish God had designed us properly. Why can’t we just poo out the fat with the other unwanted waste?
• I become perplexed at the continuity announcer’s ability to make ‘Home & Away’ sound exciting or try to make me watch ‘Masterchef’ by saying “Sticky Date Pudding” in a dramatic way.
• I think people who torture animals should be punished by having the same things done to them – a fire cracker for a fire cracker!
• I sometimes think of myself as a good person but occasionally slip into a world of schadenfreude.
• I don’t like gay people who berate bisexuals. They seem to be hypocritical bigots.
• I love pigs but they are so bloomin’ tasty. I tried to be a vegetarian once – it lasted three days as I just had to have a pork sausage roll!
• I hate cat-haters more than cat-haters hate cats.
• I should have been on ‘Big Brother’. I’d have been great. Kicked off quickly, admittedly… but still great!
• I hate bullies. School bullies, thugs, Mafia types and Gordon Ramsay.
• I love the way Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter all have six letters. I hate the way Americans call ‘Autumn’ ‘Fall’ as it ruins the fun.
• I love the words ‘Acerbic’, ‘lackadaisical’ and ‘hyperbole’.
• I hate the words ‘Residue’, ‘Gotten’ and ‘Scrotum’.
• I say ‘Scone’ to rhyme with ‘Cone’ not ‘Gone’ – It’s only ‘Scon’ when there’s none left!
• I think childhood innocence should be protected. Let’s start from disallowing ‘Condom Kingdom’ stores from opening in high streets.
• I think Carrie Prejean answered the question correctly (even if I do not agree with her views). It was Perez Hilton who was being ignorant. Tosser!
• I believe that in today’s technologically advanced world, we should be able to watch any TV show off any TV channel whenever we want - legally (I’d pay!). It’d be great to shove the finger up at the advertising agencies.
• I think ‘Australia’s Funniest Home Videos’ should just be called ‘Videos’ because they aren’t all Australian, they aren’t all home movies and they aren’t funny.
• I want the world to know that plurals don’t warrant an apostrophe.
• I try to be open minded, I really do, but this ‘pregnant man’ malarkey is mental! If ‘he’ still has all the baby-making parts, he is not yet a man – sorry. STILL A WOMAN!

Wrong Again

Call me fickle, but I have just deleted my account on that dating website.
I'm sorry, but it was attracting the wrong sort of people. It all felt rather salacious and that doesn't suit me.
If I can find a better website to place a profile, then maybe I will try again. But this particular choice was just not me. Alas.

Yes, I do go on about how I am happy being single and I am - but there are days when I could do with the shoulder to cry on, the comfort of someone who loves me unconditionally and the happiness that love can bring. Just yesterday I was missing being able to make breakfast in bed for someone.

Somehow, that particular website didn't seem like the sort of place I'd find someone who'd still be around for breakfast.

Onward and upward! Keep on truckin' - and other positive cliches!

Free World

As I write this, the long weekend (in aid of the Queen's birthday - well, one of 'em) draws to a close and it has been a very pleasant time.
Saturday was jam-packed with pie-making (as chronicled previously) and TV viewing with friends. I am so pleased we got all the way through season two of Pushing Daisies. Nola and Kirsten quit at episode 11, but Naomi, Michelle and I saw it through to the beautiful end.

Sunday and Monday have been incredibly quiet and relaxing. I nipped out first thing on Sunday in order to buy some fruit and some vegetables for my healthy 'Ripley Salad'* as the Doctor has told me to try and lower my cholesterol.
As soon as I returned, I said to my cat; "Right, that's it Fizzgig! I am not going out of that door for at least another 45 hours!" (this being at 9am and I predict I'll be out and about some time after 6am on Monday)

I spent time sitting about in my PJs reading and watching the final season of Quantum Leap (not the best season, frankly, and it's appalling that the last screen shot spells Sam Beckett's name incorrectly! Madness!) and I also played around on iTunes being a complete geek and making sure all albums were inputted correctly. Jeepers - I am a bit O.C.D. at times.

As you know (or probably do by now) I have been celibate for some time now, but I am not averse to looking for the right partner. On a complete whim, I decided this weekend to put a new profile on one of those dating websites. I freely admit that I tend to dislike those sites as 99% of people who use them are after only one thing - and you don't need me to spell it out for you.
When someone's initial question to you is 'Top or Bottom?' or ask about the size of my penis, they will get ignored instantly. Don't get me wrong, I do not condemn those who do use these sites for near-instant sexual gratification, but my profile is fairly straight forward and I do not post pictures of my naked torso for fear of making people vomit onto their keyboards - imagine trying to pick the chunks out from between the keys with a cotton-bud?
The thing is, these sites make me horribly uncomfortable - it is quite unnerving for me to lay myself so open to people's scrutiny and the process of doing it made me quite ill and I had to rush to the toilet with nervous release. I have this same reaction when I know I have to drive a car. I don't know why, but some things just give me the shits - literally!

Anyway, the profile is up and it paints a rather dull/nice portrait of a man who is not overtly keen on the more flamboyant aspects of gay life and would much rather stay in with a pot of tea.
I don't imagine I will attract many people, but if the right person is out there who is also seeking a bit of companionship and enjoys the works of Alfred Hitchcock and Agatha Christie then, who knows...

So, that's been my long weekend. Pies, books, DVDs, iTunes, PJs and profiles. It's a free world!


*Ripley Salad
Spinach leaves
Beetroot
Carrot
Celery
cocktail onions
feta cheese
red, green & yellow capsicum peppers

Happy

This morning, I have been preparing the pies for this afternoon's Pushing Daisies marathon.


After sifting the flour, I added the butter...


Which I then turned to breadcrumbs...


Then I added the sugar and lemon zest...


and after mixing in eggs, was able to make a dough.


Then, with the trusty old rolling pin, made the bases for the pies.


Then, I filled the pies with the fruit.
One with pears (and vanilla essence)...


...and one with plums and rhubarb.


Then, I had to do the lids. I made a lid for the Pear pie with grated Gruyere on top.


et, voila!


I wanted a lattice effect for the Rhubarb pie, so made some pastry strips.


Now, both pies are in the oven. I shall post pictures of the finished pies later.

I am happy with how it went as I haven't baked pies in over a decade! The proof will be in the eating though.

Walk Right Back

Today was the sponsored walk and we had a jolly entertaining time.
I was in a team with my friends Ryan and Nola and we were 'The Pie-Hos' in honour of Pushing Daisies. I was sad enough to make up name badges so we could 'be' the characters. I was Ned, Nola was Chuck and Ryan was Digby.



We managed to do the 8km in just over an hour and we had a good laugh whilst doing it.
As this was a company wide event, we raised over $8,000 (not all of which was calculated on the donation website as some of this money raised was through registration) and the total is expected to rise over the next week.
I am proud to say that I raised pretty close to a $1,000 all on my own. I'm not usually one to blow my own trumpet, but here I think it's deserved.

Lunch was provided and it was well-earned and I scoffed down a good number of wonderfully tasty sandwiches and a load of fruit.
The afternoon was back to the old grindstone but there was one last chore of the day.

A couple of days ago, I placed a note on the communal 'fridge in our area stating that anything not removed by Friday afternoon would be thrown out before the long weekend. At 4:30, I tackled the job. I needed a Haz-Mat suit. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought Swine 'flu originated from that refrigerator and not Mexico.

There were some seriously dead muppets in various containers. I emptied these vile furry monstrosities into the bin and washed out the tubs. Not the most pleasant experience, but somebody had to do it. Then I gave the whole thing a good wipe out.

Anyway, I'm home now - a little exhausted but I am really looking forward to tomorrow. It's 'Pie Day' and I have some friends coming over for a Pushing Daisies season two marathon. I'm baking some pies!!

Just One Look

The free newspaper issued at train stations around Melbourne, 'MX', is nothing more than a form of entertainment during the tedious commute between home and work.
Sometimes I find myself chuckling over the readers' comments in 'Vent Your Spleen' or I shake my head over the reportage regarding so-called 'celebrities' who are usually famous for showing their fannies when drunk.
However, every now and again, MX (with its tongue planted in the cheek) can come out with an absolute cracker of a headline.
The other night (Tuesday I think it was) they were covering the recent news regarding Dick Cheney's stance on homosexual marriage.
Their headline read:

Dick sticks up for gays.

Well, if ever there was a genuine 'Laugh Out Loud' moment whilst reading MX, this was it.

Over the past week, I have also noticed a lot more attractive people on the trains. I was trying to figure out if there always have been attractive people surrounding me or is it more to do with the fact I am hornier than ever lately and I am finding the majority of human beings around me 'shaggable'. This is cause for concern for someone who is battling with celibacy!
I find myself taking peeks at people, staring at their legs, arms, any exposed flesh... and then their lips! Cripes! Lips! I haven't snogged anyone for over a year. How sad is that.
Do these people notice me taking a look, checking them out? Is anyone checking me out?
Oddly, since growing a beard, I have had a fair few compliments from colleagues and friends. My good friend Mersina even described me as 'handsome' (bless her!)

I certainly hope my fellow commuters do not look upon me as a perverted voyeur, but, if you're going to be sexy, you're going to have to put up with being stared at.
All these voluptuous curvy ladies and the well-defined men... I don't know which way to turn! Ah, the beauty of the human body!

Fabulous Garden

Today, I received season two of Pushing Daisies on DVD through the post. I had ordered five sets – one for me and the others for friends. I have been a forthright advocate of the series since mid-2007 when I saw the pilot and have converted a good number of people to the wonders of the show. In fact, a few of us are getting together on Saturday for a ‘Pie Day’ and we’ll be watching as many episodes of season two as we can possibly cram in whilst eating some home-made pie. (I am making pear pie with Gruyere baked into the crust!)

To my mind, it is the most refreshing and delightful show to come out of America in years and it is a travesty that it was cancelled mid-way through season two. Apparently, the television executives would rather put on more of those tedious talent shows. Alas.

Despite winning three Emmys during the first season and gaining critical acclaim worldwide, the show was to see an early grave.

Turn My Motor On

Anyone who knows me well will know that I do not have the highest sex-drive in the history of the human race. Whereas a lot of people would quite happily shag on a twice-daily basis, I'd much rather curl up on the settee with a nice mug of Yorkshire Gold tea and watch a Fred & Ginger movie

This is why it has been so easy to maintain a life of celibacy. Admittedly, I haven't exactly had to barricade my door from an army of unwanted suitors - I have often wondered if I am entirely lacking in pheromones and thus secrete no sexual allure - but it is also a choice on my part.

I cannot tell exactly how long it has been since I have enjoyed the company of a fellow human in an act of ferocious abandon but I do know it has been long enough to forget. I made 'celibacy' one of my New Year's resolutions. This way, no one could justly laugh in my face for being the shagless one. Now they can do it subtly behind my back.

The only problem is, there is something awakening inside me. I am beginning to get urges. I am beginning to feel like an elastic band stretched taught and ready to hurtle across the room toward an unsuspecting victim. It's like I am having an uncontrollable sugar rush.

Is this what nuns feel like on a daily basis? No wonder they sing! It's a way of screaming in tune!

It's getting to be embarrassing. After returning home from seeing my doctor last night I realised I was getting a bit of a crush on him. While he was taking my blood pressure I was daydreaming about all sorts of things. Well, what was I supposed to do - he's cute, fit and a doctor! La de da.

So, is this what celibacy is going to be like for me? A continual urge to frolic? Or will I have to give up the second of my three New Year's resolutions? Firstly my diary got covered in tandoori chicken sauce, so that threw that effort out of the window - now this… and I doubt I'll be able to stay sober for much longer.

Whatever happened to will power?

Other People's Hearts

The first attempt at this post earlier this morning was fraught with emotion and a general grumpy mood. I deleted it for fear of offending anyone and have redesigned the notions in the form of a poem. How utterly pretentious of me! Huzzah!

A Tale of Self-Pity and Confusion.

The Book of Love is a riddle to me,
An emotional enigma,
A curious quandary,
Sudoku sex, a palpitating stigma.

I witness others practise love
Bemused, I feel exclusion.
Experiment, I document;
Apparatus, method, conclusion.

My heart doth lie within a maze,
Walls perform their dances.
Intrepid scouts who seek the prize,
Are spurned in their advances.

The ethics of love, a protocol,
I stumble and I fall.
A barricade of untold law,
Society’s secret wall.

Cupid mocks my eager heart,
His laughter burns my soul.
Deep within a void exists,
Incomplete: my whole.

Those confident, heads aloft,
They swagger with aplomb.
Emulate, I cannot do,
I refuse to feign the con.

So paranoid, I lay to sleep,
Clichés so often cited.
In my dreams I find the one
A love less unrequited.