Thank You

2017 is going to be the year that I reboot my life.

After over a year of job-hunting, I have finally found a position that suits me like a 1940s gentleman's garment. I won't go into great detail right now, but it's sufficient to announce that it will allow me to use my writing skills daily and also utilise my affable charm on a regular basis. It's part reception work, part communications officer. A very satisfying blend for me.

This new role is based in Sheffield, so I will be leaving Bristol and dragging my hefty arse "Oop North" next weekend before settling into my new job and my new routine within the coming weeks.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank a great number of people. I will, no doubt, miss a few as there have been SO MANY that have helped me and to whom I am indebted beyond measure...

Firstly, to my family. They have been superb in their support over the last thirteen months - both emotionally and financially - and that is something to cherish. Mum, Mac, Sarah & Ian, Matt & Jo et al.

There are friends who have gone beyond the call of duty in their assistance: Jamie and Kevin housing me, feeding me, and supporting me during my brief foray into the Bristolian community; Dean for his unending generosity (in various forms) and his nonchalant yet occasionally acerbic words of encouragement; Rick and Teresa for seeing my potential and actually "getting me"; Dan for his strength and understanding, despite being ten and a half thousand miles away; Chris for being his usual empathetic self and giving me virtual ego-boosts as and when necessary; Louise, Adam, Rohan and Vanessa for just being the greatest gang of friends I have ever known (and I never EVER felt like a fifth wheel!); Jane for continuing to keep on the lookout for ideal positions for me; Alison for being Alison. No one knows me better than Ali...

Crikey... this is beginning to sound like an Oscar acceptance speech!

If I have forgotten someone, please forgive me. I am only on my second mug of tea for the day - give me a break!

All my friends, new and old, have been understanding, caring and, frankly, bloody fantastic. It is safe to say that in terms of friendship, I am one of the richest people in the world.

Cheers to all my friends!

OK, enough of the puke-fest. Now I am back in the land of the living, I might even be more prolific on this blog and on social media. I need the impetus of routine and happiness to fuel my writing so be warned, I may be spamming your newsfeed more often this year. Ha!

I Won't Give Up

Since returning from Australia late last year, I have been going through some incredibly stressful and painfully traumatic experiences akin to attempting the obstacle race on the Krypton Factor.

These crippling challenges are both as vile and unpleasant as each other but are somewhat of a necessity if one wants to achieve anything in life.

They are:

Job application forms and Dates.

Long gone are the days where one spruced up one’s CV and delivered a succinct and coherent detail of one’s educational and vocational experience.

Long gone are the days of meeting people through social venues and getting to feel the vibes as you connect with another soul face to face.

Nah.

Everything now is online.

Each job I apply for has its own variation of a form to fill in and I have to repeat the same information over and over again. HOWEVER, there is never any room for possible discrepancies. e.g. I had a full time job whilst at University. One cannot explain this on the forms, as they don’t seem to think that such a thing would be possible. They also have mandatory fields for phone contacts of places that I worked that no longer exist. So, what happens? I leave things blank, the HR people look and think “Must be lying” and it gets binned (or deleted – wha’evs!) The most infuriating thing is after spending a good hour or so answering all their tiresomely pedantic questions about where one went to school, what grades one achieved, and to whom one sat in Geography class, they the ask you to upload a CV at the very end!!

When it comes to references, all of mine are in Australia and this makes it much harder to prove how bloody worthwhile I am. They probably just look at the ‘00613…’ and think “Fuck that!”

So, each and every laborious application for a job has left me frustrated and exhausted.

Pass me a bottle of red, luv!

As for dating…

I have tried a few of these phone apps. Oh, it’s appallingly depressing. A handful of pictures, a brief bio trying to sell oneself (for crying out loud, I was able to sell books about housewife bondage to Christian bookshops, yet I can’t sell myself for love nor money!) and all for nought as people simply swipe left because they catch sight of my lazy eye.

Even if one does make a rare connection, most just chat for hours and hours and then chicken out actually meeting because they suddenly realise they are married.

I have had a handful of dates:

• One admonished me for talking about sex
• One was so disinterested he left half way through
• And one was too interested and got a little rapey.

Crikey, lads… what is a boy supposed to do?

Pass me a bottle of bubbly, luv!

All the rejections from employers and suitors alike are becoming very wearing. I am feeling less and less of who I once was; a ghost of my former self.

Some day soon a company and a guy are going to find me fascinating, irresistible and charming. They will realise what they’ve been missing and all will be right with the world.

This should be a sufficient picture to depict 'all right with the world', don't you think?

All I Want

When I win the lottery...

...there will be parties...

...there will be drinks...

...I will get fit...

...but I will maintain a decent support network...

...I will get a whole new wardrobe...

...I will learn to dance...

...I will become a better driver...

...I'd get my teeth fixed...

...I will buy the comfiest furniture...

...I will be more carefree...

...I will be charitable...

...and maybe become really altruistic or something...

...there will be lots of cats...

...I will have a full social life...

...I will hang out with my friends a lot more...

...but just my friends...

...I will be classy...

...I will have the BEST house...

...I'll be a terrific home-maker...

...I'll throw the best dinner parties...

...there will be shenanigans...

...I might even take up Pilates or Yoga...

...did I mention drink..?

...I will be a lot happier...

... and maybe there will be love(?)

...or maybe I should stop daydreaming.

Evergreen

This morning, I went to my first ever funeral! It's taken me forty years, but I finally caved in.

I have known many people who have died - friends, family, acquaintances - but I have missed all their funerals because:

• a) I have been in another country
• b) I have not been able to get away from work or
• c) I just didn't like them very much

Today's funeral was for an old friend of the family whom I have known since I was a little boy. Her name was Eileen and it's so sad she is no longer with us. However, she was very pragmatic about things and liked a laugh, so I know she won't be upset about me blogging about it...

Mum was doing the eulogy, so we turned up early to make sure we got a good seat. Normally, when going to a show, I like an aisle seat, but seeing as mum had to get up, I magnanimously relented and gave her easy access.

It was quite a crowd queuing up outside the venue. It's kind of like speed-dating... you wait for the previous mourners to have their little soiree and then your crowd can pile in after. It was a bit like waiting for a ride at Alton Towers but without the crowd-control turnstiles. Whilst waiting, I was checking out the talent amongst the mourners. There wasn't a lot, but some lads do brush up well once attired in a suit... even Derbyshire folk!

Mum and I were allowed in first (a secret "Nur, nur-ne, nur-nur" went through my head to the others in the queue as I can be rather infantile) and we got front row seats. Normally I hate hate front row seats, but thankfully, this wasn't IMAX.

I was actually surprised at the little crematorium chapel. It was reasonably warm, but I imagine someone had lit a nice roaring fire somewhere for our convenience.

Once everyone was in, the service began. It was a short and sweet affair. Mum's eulogy was beautiful and touching, a letter from Eileen written before her passing was also read and it was charming, funny and moving. The host-chappie said something about Jesus Claus and the Christmas Miracle, or something... and then Freddie Mercury belted out The Show Must Go On. (He wasn't actually there, otherwise I might have to start believing in all that hocus pocus!)

We all paid our respects to Eileen as we passed through the exit (no gift shop - rude!) and then we got to speak to her husband, sons and family.

It was a tearful morning. All jokes aside, Eileen really was one of the kindest, gentlest, funniest, warmest, most beautiful women to have ever lived. She really was one in a million. She will be dearly missed.

As I am currently in a 'Will Young' phase when it comes to naming my blog entries, I have chosen 'Evergreen' as Eileen loved gardening and loved her allotment, I know that in our memories, her garden will be kept evergreen forever.

This isn't her garden, but I think it's pretty and Eileen would have loved it!