Hopes & Fears

A friend suggested I blog about some of the things that come up in my counselling sessions. I think he's right. I find writing very therapeutic...

I recently stumbled across on article on the Mamma Mia website that spoke of an app that is a place where people can admit to secrets and, in some cases, they confess to something hitherto made taboo. The great unspoken distaste for sex. It was something that touched my heart as I have often spoken about a fear of intimacy and it was oddly comforting to find that I was not alone. Some people say they hate the idea of people seeing their naked body (I can confess to having the same fear), some say they just find sex too painful and some simply say that they have no interest.

I do crave intimacy but I would be happy with hugs, cuddles and kisses. However, saying this out loud actually bemuses the majority of others. How often have I heard people say "If you don’t like sex, you’re obviously not doing it right" or "You haven’t met the right person"? Is it really that simple? I don’t think so.

This probably explains why I fall in love with straight men. I know deep down that there is no possibility of sexual interaction but I still get the joy of male company (although I cannot deny that I would love to snuggle up to them at times!)

A lot of things about sex actually repulses me. I gag at the thought of some of the acts. There is also a plausible argument to say that I am terrified of the loss of control one has during the orgasms. Words like ‘frigid’ are often bandied about when people have sexual issues. Those of us who aren’t as comfortable with our bodies or our prowess in the bedroom are often laughed at or dismissed as being freaks.

The truth is, I want to be loved, I want to be held, I want to have a deep connection with someone – and I probably could perform the more intimate acts with someone I felt that bond with – but instead it is a barrier against anyone getting close to me and, as one of the people on the site said, I guess I will be alone forever… but I certainly hope not.

Of course, I could always make an exception...

Just a hug will do...