My Affair

I have been single for quite some time now and I am in two minds about it.
Part of me is quite content to be single and live a quiet, peaceful life in which I can do my own thing, live at a leisurely pace and enjoy those quiet evenings in snuggling up to my cat and watching an old movie on DVD. If I was a woman in an Eighties movie living in America, I'd also have a big baggy New York Nicks sweatshirt and massive bed socks to complete the tableau.
Then there is the other part of me. The part which yearns for company, contact, comfort and other words beginning with 'co'. (Don't be so filthy minded!)

In the past few years, there have been moments where I have ventured out into the world of dating, be it social interaction in smokey venues or in the privacy of my own home via a keyboard. However, I tend to come home empty-handed and a little forlorn. It is in those rather tedious moments that I begin to ask myself "Whose type am I?" as it appears I am no ones. Yes, I admit it's maudlin to think that way, but don't tell me you're all perfect and never have those moments of self-pity! Go on, admit it! ;)

I try to evaluate where I have gone wrong in each instance and I think I should draw up a set of rules to abide by strictly each time I open myself to the possibility of attraction.

1) Don't talk too much. I tend to suffer from DBS (David Beckham Syndrome) - I look all right until I open my mouth.

2) Don't invite them to the apartment. My belongings of the nerd variety are enough to frighten anyone off. (Can you count how many times you see the words 'Doctor Who' in my living room? It's a billion.)

3) Don't break the ice with the circumcision story. Sure, it's hugely entertaining, but it can wait until I get to know someone better.

4) Don't do the self-deprecation comedy routine - it's simply not attractive.

5) Don't try and flirt. I am horrendously bad at it.

6) Don't sing. I must remember I am not as good as I think I am!

7) Don't tell the joke about Father O'Brien, the fisherman and the big fish. Too many people don't like the C-bomb.

8) Don't be too earnest. It looks desperate.

9) Don't be too generous. It's creepy, albeit genuine.

10) Don't mention the war.

I am sure that somebody out there suits me and I suit them. I am hoping it's the wonderful Scottish comedian Danny Bhoy, but I doubt it somehow.

The truth is, all these rules are a load of old bollocks. This is me. I am a little over-the-top at times and I can be annoyingly enthusiastic and pathetically tense. Despite all these flaws, I am a good person with a kind heart and a rather odd sense of humour. I like these positive attributes and I wouldn't change them for the world.

I just hope there is someone out there who can appreciate them too.