Designer Life

One of the things I hate about being gay is the myriad expectations that come along with it.

Just because I like some musicals, does not automatically make me gay – just as how the fact that I love the 'Die Hard' films does not make me straight.
I don’t like all musicals. In fact I genuinely despise some, including 'Rent', 'Grease' and anything with Zac Efron in it. 'West Side Story' doesn’t stir my loins either, despite being directed by the superb Robert Wise. Sure, I love 'Little Shop of Horrors', 'Sweet Charity' and 'Bugsy Malone', but that’s not an entire genre.

I hate drag queens. I think the majority of them are talentless hacks (or hags?) and also slightly offensive – are these grossly exaggerated performances an insult to the female gender? If you must insist on the whole female-impersonation malarkey, at least have the decency to sing rather than mime – and please, I beg you, stop with the Shirley Bassey. Anyone would think the gay community were trapped in a time warp bubble.

I don’t own any Kylie Minogue or Abba albums. Sure, I have some Madonna, but I also have albums by The Commitments and The Kinks. Don’t tell me Andrew Strong is a gay icon.

I hate clubbing.

I am not promiscuous.

I do not own a leather harness.

I do not mince.

I do not attend Pride marches.

I don’t have a lisp.

I don’t have anything with a rainbow flag on it.

I don’t own a West Highland Terrier named Judy.

My jokes aren’t solely based around innuendo.

These clichés are not merely stereotypes. It seems some gay men feel the need to adhere to this strict code of application. Since when is it compulsory to lack individuality? Granted, the whole horrifying nature of ‘coming out’ in a still-homophobic world is cause to seek something accepting and comfortable. The gay community (for want of a much better and more appropriate phrase) is abundant with people who have been through excruciating times and are more than willing to aid and assist those who are spinning out of control due to apprehension and fear. I expect this is why these young men begin to adorn these attributes, just so that they can feel a part of something bigger. I feel I can say this because I was one of those young men and I too had mentors who helped guide me through those heart-achingly distressing times. However, I resisted a lot of the more flamboyant accessories – although I did attempt to try them for a period… (picture me singing 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina' in a cafe full of fags)

Unfortunately, because of my lack of ‘gayness’, I have had some queens say I should have my gay card revoked. (I think mine just got lost in the post.)
I have come to realise that, ironically, some gay men are also the most bigoted; especially those who deny that bisexuals exist or hurl abuse at lesbians.

Simply, I am gay because I prefer the company of men in the bedroom. And I mean ‘men’, not effeminate, skinny, mincing ladyboys with fluttering eyelids and a penchant for squealing “Ooooh!” every time the word ‘big’ is mentioned.

Sure, people should be allowed to be whoever they want to be. This is a basic freedom – as long as you’re not hurting anybody else. Just don’t expect me to fall into the same category just because I like cock.