My State of Mind

I have a few things to cover in this post, but I shall make it brief as possible as I have plans today which include; lying on my bed, drinking tea, eating chocolate and watching Murder, She Wrote.

Yesterday was day 100 of my 100-day challenge. If you recall, my plan was to become thin and gorgeous by the tie I flew out to the UK (that's today - day 101!) and my goal was to be below 75kg.

Well, what a fucked up mess. I absolutely and utterly failed. For a brief weekend way back, I got to 76kg, but since then I have been 78kg all the way. Walking 20 kilometres on occasional days, drinking diet shakes and weight-watcher meals... none of these things seem to work. Sure, I've had my lapses into pizza and alcohol, that cannot be denied.
The truth of the matter is; I realised that I could either be thin, tired and miserable or an average weight with yummy goodness in my tum. It also seemed so folly to attempt before Christmas as I just know I am going to be eating copious amounts whilst in the good old British Isles. Bring on the Black Pudding!!

So, yes, I'm an abject failure. Maybe I'll try again upon my return to Australian shores in January.

***

In other news, I have been going through something peculiar. It is true that I have suffered from depression to varying degrees over the years, but the past few months, I have been experiencing a sort of off-shoot variety. It's hard to explain. I will get a tightness in my chest, dizzy spells and be overwhelmed by emotion over the simplest of things. I have often found myself sulking in my bedroom like a 14 year old.
Work has been getting me down recently. I have become weary of the same old chores, the future of my role and the extra-curricular jobs that are thrust upon me. I am also sickened to the stomach over moving to an open-plan building next year. (Whose fucking idea was 'open plan'? Seriously, it's a crock of shit. I blame the world of H.R. - The Devil makes work for idle hands... so he created H.R.
I won't go into the specifics of my job right here but let's just say that I will be annoying to others and my job will be hindered by others distracting me. So, who wins? No one. (Gosh, I could go on, but I will rant and rant and rant.)

So, with all this added "stress" (I say "stress" like that for heaven knows there are phenomenally higher degrees of stress going on in other people's lives, but all problems are relative, right?!) I had to see the doctor (not my favourite hottie Asian doctor nor the stunning lithe Aeryan-esque god (he's left the practice! *sulk*), but the regular, run-of-the-mill yet pleasant doctor) and he has put me on Diazepam.
Some people have said; "Noo! That's terrible! Don't do it!". Others have said; "Ooh, it makes you lose weight!" - so I am swayed by the latter.

So, I should be in a rather excitable mood today seeing as I am flying out to the U.K. this evening, but I am strangely not.
I am subdued and, dare I say it, a little depressed. I will miss my baby girl (Fizzgig) but she is in safe hands.
Let's think about the positives, shall we?

1. It's nearly Christmas and I won't shy away from saying it; Christmas is damn more festive in the Northern Hemisphere.
2. I will be seeing a number of old friends, both Aussie and British.
3. I will be staying in a number of delightful hotels (and I do love staying in hotels).
4. I will spend Christmas with my family for the first time in six years.
5. I get to see my brother's face when he sees what I have bought him for Christmas.
6. I will spend some time in Cardiff - the city that has joined York and Edinburgh in my top UK cities poll.
7. There will be proper bacon butties for sale.
8. I can spend time with Alison, one of the best people in the universe.
9. I can buy the Christmas issue of the Radio Times. (Only UK people will get the wonderment of such an occasion.
10. I WON'T BE AT WORK!

***

Next year, I must absolutely, definitely make some changes in my life. I need a new job. I want to be out of publishing (oh, to read for pleasure one more time without the obligation of work!) and I need to find out what it is I should be doing for my my true vocation?

I don't want to be a salesman - I don't want to work in hospitality - I don't want to work for any business which wallows in corporate bullshit and H.R. policies - I don't want to be surrounded with highly ambitious people who only think about top dollar.

I want a nice job. One with calm people. One with few colleagues, little stress and lots of kittens.

As Shirley Maclaine once sang; "There's gotta be something better than this!"

***

(so much for making this a brief post)

Today, I will make a Christmas cake for my house-mate as a thank you for having him look after Fizzgig whilst I am away and then I will spend the afternoon relaxing prior to catching my taxi. I packed last night, so I am all ready.

But picture me now as I dash out of the house as the taxi beeps from outside, channelling Edina Monsoon:

"TICKETS, MONEY, PASSPORT!"