Return to Oz

Well, bloody hell. It has been a long time since I last wrote in this blog. You must forgive me for this. It has been an odd few years since I returned to Blighty.

As I have detailed the reasons for returning to the Mother Country before (see this post), I shan't go into all that again.

Let's just briefly look at what has happened in the three years since:

2016
Yep. I did blog a bit during this period, but I was unemployed for the majority of it.
To sum up: I struggled to find work; did a number of odd jobs here and there; moved in with dear friends in Bristol and worked as their Housekeeper for a few months; lots of celebs died; Brexit; Trump; watched a lot of TV.

2017
Moved to Sheffield; got a job with a tech company as their Receptionist-cum-Office Manager; found a nice little apartment; watched a lot of TV.

2018
Was held hostage at knife-point in my own apartment for two hours while my place was trashed and robbed; became depressed again; stacked on weight; went to court only to be gutted when the culprit got off with a 24-month suspended sentence; watched a lot of TV.

That's it in a nutshell. Obviously the robbery can be the subject of a blog post in itself - but I will wait until I am in a better frame of mind.

Throughout this triumvirate of annual adventures, it felt like I was a bear climbing up a mountain only to tumble down the other side. However, not one to give in (pish) I am going to climb the next mountain with gusto.

It is time for me to return to Melbourne, Australia.
The reason for doing this is so that I can renew my Permanent Residency before it runs out (in 2020) and also get my Australian Citizenship. I intend to get a dual passport so I can travel between the two countries freely. I feel that I have families in both. I am still waiting for one of my clever, scientific friends to hurry up and invent the matter transporter. I really don't know why they haven't pulled their finger out yet! So lazy!

Once there, I will be staying with friends until I get msyelf sorted. I am applying for a variety of jobs - publishing roles, office manager roles, kitten cuddler roles (I wish!) - and intend to get myself settled pretty damn quick.

The one thing I am not looking forward to is the heat. After stacking on the weight this year (see post-robbery-depression malarkey!) I will be sweating like a fat horse eating chillies on a treadmill in a sauna. I DO intend to lose weight again. I have done it before, so I know I can repeat my success (even at forty-bloody-three years old!).

Sorry... I simply can't resist an AbFab gif.

So... that's my situation and my goals kind of set. If anyone had any jobs for me out there in Australia, let me know An annual salary of eighty billion dollars would be peachy, thanks!

Right, time to sign off (for now) but, of course... I HAVE to end with an image from...

Black and White

Although film makers were attempting to make colour films during the early 1900s (further information from the dubious world of Wikipedia...), it wasn't proven to be hugely successful until the late '30s with mainstream movies like The Wizard of Oz and Gone With the Wind. Throughout the following couple of decades, studios toyed with both colour and black & white and, quite often, it was more a case of budgetary constraint rather than artistic choice to plump for the standard monochrome.

Below are just a handful of films made in the 1960s and beyond whose directors and producers deliberately chose to film in black & white for varying reasons. The lack of full-colour does not distract from the drama, excitement or entertainment one jot. (This is a mere selection of a multitude of monochrome movies from the last sixty years. A list of films from 1970 and beyond can be found here.

Psycho

Alfred Hitchcock - 1960

An absolute masterpiece. Hitchcock made this film on a budget with the television crew from Alfred Hitchcock Presents. His reasons for filming in B&W were partly for budgetary constraints but also to get away with bloody murder in the shower scene (censors were less squeamish if they couldn't see red!)

Repulsion

Roman Polanski - 1965

Polanski's first English Language film and, to my mind, another masterpiece. Yes, the choice for B&W was to keep the costs down, but the coldness and bleakness convey the isolation and sexual apprehension of Carol Ledoux (played to perfection by Catherine Deneuve).

Ed Wood

Tim Burton - 1991

Without doubt, Tim Burton's best film. It's a love letter to Hollywood and the dreams of a desperately eager yet pitifully untalented fellow. The lack of colour merely pays tribute to the era.

Schindler's List

Steven Spielberg - 1993

This story just had to be B&W. It's bleak. It's harrowing. It's cold. The flash of red we see in the form of the little girl's coat highlights the individuality of the lives lost rather than just see the holocaust as a faceless blanket of death.

The Mist

Frank Darabont - 2007

It was always Frank Darabont's wish to have this Stephen king adaptation seen by audiences in B&W but the fearful, greedy studios were concerned about the box office. Thankfully, the blu-ray release has Frank's original vision in tact. I refuse to watch the colour version.

The Elephant Man

David Lynch - 1980

David Lynch is synonymous with eerie and dreamlike storytelling. His other films are incredibly colourful and the spectrum for each movie plays an integral part of the narrative. Surprisingly, it was the film's producer, Mel Brooks, who persuaded Lynch to do this film in B&W.

Down by Law

Jim Jarmusch - 1986

I only saw this film for the first time a couple of years ago (thanks to the insistence of my friend Dan). To be honest, I don't know exactly why Jim Jarmusch chose to film in B&W, but I am so glad he did. The monochrome (again) evokes the isolation of the main characters and also brings that jazzy New Orleans vibe to life.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Robert Aldrich - 1962

Another classic. Bette Davis and Joan Crawford loathed each other in real life and that dramatic tension was brought to the fore in this grand guignol chiller. Once more, the B&W gives it the Hollywood homage tone and also highlights the duality and contrast between the two leading roles... and all the grey in between.

The Artist

Michel Hazanavicius - 2011

This one is pretty self-explanatory, I think. A sort of distant cousin of Singin' in the Rain and an absolutely beautiful tribute to the silent era of Hollywood. Pure magic.

Young Frankenstein

Mel Brooks - 1974

One of Mel Brooks' most loved films and a joyful comedy played to perfection by the leads. Again, it doesn't take much imagination to consider why Mel chose to go with B&W here...

Night of the Living Dead

George A Romero - 1968

Yep. I think it's safe to say budget played a huge part here - but how serendipitous. Just like Hitchcock, Romero used chocolate sauce for the blood, so in the cases of this and Psycho the monochrome disguises the charade and the effect is crucial.

There are so many more one could mention but this is a mere selection. Who says black & white films are boring, eh? Fools, that's who!

This Life

Last night, my friend Dean and I finished re-watching the seminal BBC TV series This Life. For me, it is the umpteenth time that I have watched it all the way through. For about the first ten years after it was made I made it an annual tradition to plough through my VHS copies (and, later, the DVD boxset!) but I haven't done so for a long time since.

When its first season aired in early 1996, it felt like I was the only person watching it; but, a year later (and after a hasty re-run of that freshman year) season two hit our screens and it became a passion for many across the United Kingdom.

If anyone were to delve into this show with fresh eyes, they might not see what all the fuss is about. The show hasn't dated (apart from the noticeable lack of mobile phones and the occasional '90s jeans syndrome') but myriad shows have followed in its wake and regurgitated a lot of the format and storylines. This was the mid-nineties and it was rare to see such audacious authenticity in the depiction of the lives of twentysomethings.

The show's creator, Amy Jenkins, wanted a show about young lawyers in which you never saw the interior of a court room (a conceit discarded by the reunion special ten years later) - Amy wanted to expose the emotional struggles that young people fresh from university go through when entering adult life. It's a period when the partying lifestyle doesn't quite want to be relinquished; sexuality still needs to be explored; and the coveted independence from family is not as welcome, nor as easy, as one might have anticipated.

With its bold and frank approach to sex, drugs, alcohol and all things considered sinful, it shocked and entertained in equal measures. Of course, there were frequent letters written in to the Daily Mail from aggressively indignant and pompous windbags who loathed the notion of young people enjoying themselves, but that just made it all the more decadent.

These friends and colleagues live together in an expensive Southwark home, trying to get on with their careers and their lives but having to maintain a very student lifestyle that is proving difficult to abjure.

Season one introduced us to Miles, the entitled and arrogant public school educated tosser; Anna, the sassy, witty and feisty squatter in Chambers; Milly, the driven yet uptight perfectionist; Egg, Milly's daydreamer of a boyfriend who'd rather be playing football than doing attendance notes; and Warren, the Welsh and proudly gay man who is terrified of his family's disapproval.

Other characters included Delilah, an obnoxious, thieving drug addict; Ferdy, a bisexual courier; O'Donnell, Milly's boss and seducer; and Kira, Warren's mouthy and bold cousin.

Season two arrived with a hard act to follow. We were introduced to some new characters and said goodbye to an old friend in a shocking and gripping storyline. Ferdy became a series regular and slowly became more confident in his own sexuality. We were also introduced to Rachel - a character who has divided fans. Was she just a misunderstood, innocent try-hard, or was she a calculating, manipulative bitch?

The second series was twice as long as the first and this allowed a multitude of storylines but it was dominated by Warren's dark encounter on the wrong side of the law, Milly's misguided affair, and Anna's anarchic collapse.

Numerous plot threads hurtled toward the exhilarating finale and clashed with catastrophic consequences. The show really went out on a high, and with a bang, in one of the best TV series finales ever. (Forgive my hyperbole, but it really was a fantastic denouement!)

In 2007, we had a reunion special. In all honesty, it didn't quite recapture the glory of the original two series. It was lovely to have the majority of the core cast back on our screens, but the plot felt rather contrived. Critics and fans were, on the whole, disappointed. I, however, was more than content sitting down with a pizza and a bottle of red and reacquainting myself with old friends.

This Life left a great legacy. Shows such as Cold Feet and Queer as Folk followed and ran with their own success. But would they have been made had Amy Jenkins not been a pioneer in creating this addictive show?

The show also launched the careers of its cast - most notable Andrew Lincoln and jack Davenport - and those of us who were engulfed in its maelstrom for those two years have a strange bond formed of a passion and respect for this beloved TV drama.

I would just like to mention Daniela Nardini who played Anna Forbes with such incredible gusto that she became a cultural icon. This acerbic, brassy and astute character was also a f*cked up headcase - but we all loved her. Daniela absolutely deserved her BAFTA award for Best Actress. I for one would love to see a spin-off series all about this remarkable, hedonistic Scot. 'The Trials of Anna', maybe?

Home

I promised myself that I was going to get back into the blogging malarkey this year. It was not even approaching 'sporadic' in 2016! After a rather tumultuous 2015, the following year was lollygagging in its wake. The twelve months of unemployment throughout was beginning to wear me down until I was nearly a mere shadow of my former self.

Thankfully, 2017 is looking up and I have a job (wahoo!) and this has spurred me on to find my own abode once more (having spent the last year and a quarter living in the homes of others, be it family or friends - all very kind and wonderful people).

Once back in the realms of "normal" life (employed and with my own private space around me) I can shed my cloak of morbid woe and channel any positive energy into prattling on about nothing to anyone who cares to read.

So let's get back to writing words 'n' stuff'...

My new role is situated in Sheffield so I have some reasonable options in regard to where I live:

• Chesterfield - which would mean a daily, costly commute on top of the rent
• Sheffield - local to work but a tad more pricey
• Oz - but I have no hot air balloon nor a cyclone at hand, so I might skip this choice.

I started looking at places on Friday. During my lunchbreak, I visited a new block of flats in the north area of Sheffield. I like a new build. the notion that no one has lived in a place before me is rather satisfying. It comes with white goods (washing machine and fridge/freezer); it's secure; it's soundproofed; but it is rather small. Luckily, I don't own much furniture - as long as my books and DVDs have somewhere to go, I'm happy.

Could this be my next home?

On Friday evening, I checked out a larger flat in Brimington, Chesterfield. It was a spacious living space, but directly above an Indian restaurant (smelly and bound to make me hungry... and fat!) and in a noisy area. It also had no white goods. Loads of cupboard space, though. If I wanted to invite some friends around to play sardines, we'd be sorted!

On Saturday, I checked out a ground floor flat in the same block where my brother and his family live. This was not as small as the first, nor as large as the second, but it was homely. I am not fond of ground floor flats because I have a fear of home invasion and theft. Oh, and floods. And moths - but that's inconsequential.

Now... we come to 'Application Fees'. After living for sixteen years in Australia, I had no idea about this astonishing extortion brought upon us by Estate Agents. Apparently, it costs a fortune to do a credit check or whatever... but £300?? Eff off!! The last flat was asking this and it put me off immediately.

So, on Monday morning, I applied for the first flat I saw back on Friday lunchtime as the application fee was only £150. I hope I get it, otherwise that's six ponies gone to the glue factory!

Now, as anyone who knows me well knows that I am prone to bouts of stress, they don't need me to highlight the fact that my lower intestine has been popping and gurgling for the past four days. Panic ensues and my innards react like a volcano with a billion Mentos thrown in. I shudder to recall the day an old "friend" had a vicious rant at me (ridiculously unfairly, I assure you!) and I was so taken aback, I just trembled and farted. Heaven help me if I am ever in a bank hold-up or trapped in a well with a nervy wrestler suffering from Tourette's.

As soon as I have found and secured a place to live, the better. I look forward to relaxing...

Wish me luck, y'all.

For the Love of Torchwood

As most people know, I am a Whovian. A Doctor Who fan for those unaware of the nerdy jargon. Yes, I am also a Trekkie, a Fannibal, an X Phile and a passionate fan of numerous other TV shows (what one calls a devotee of Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) is anyone’s guess!).

I am also a “Woody” (for want of a much better moniker) – that is to say, a fan of Torchwood, the Doctor Who spin-off aimed at slightly more mature viewer.

For the uninitiated, Torchwood sprang from the world of Doctor Who thanks to the wonderful, talented brain of Russell T Davies. Originally, the term was merely a pseudonym for production of the mother show in order to keep filming as secret as possible. The notion of an alien/crime fighting team had been at the back of RTD’s mind for years (with a working title of ‘Excalibur’) but once he got his creative claws into the Whoniverse, it was only a matter of time before the perfect blend came together.

The Torchwood seed was planted within the world of Doctor Who very subtly during episode twelve of series one (of 21st Century Who) in 2005 and was explored further more blatantly in the second series. We finally got to witness the fabled organisation in the stunning two-part finale Army of Ghosts/Doomsday.

Series one was also where we first met the charming and dynamic anti-hero Captain Jack Harkness and he proved so popular with fans, it was no wonder he would return for more adventures and his own spin off.

The first fully-fledged series of Torchwood appeared on October 22nd on BBC3 with a double bill of its first two episodes. Although Russell T Davies was the mastermind behind the show, Chris ‘Broadchurch’ Chibnall would serve as lead writer for the first two series.

I was hooked instantly. As I was already a fan of Doctor Who, it wasn’t that much of a surprise that I would warm to a spin-off (I was to fall in love with the children’s spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures too!) but there was something extra special about Torchwood. Allegedly, RTD had pitched it as a cross between The X Files and This Life – two of my all-time favourite TV shows – so I was already eager to see this exciting hybrid.

OK, the show did have its detractors as most things do. One of the main complaints was that the stronger language and focus on sexuality was too aggressive, but I think if it was any other show, no one would bat an eye lid. I think it is just because people were used to the comfort of Doctor Who - I mean, look at Russell's Queer as Folk! Did anyone really think he was one to shy away from the truth about human nature? Ha!.

The cast was sublime. John Barrowman has so much onscreen charm that a number of straight blokes I know have admitted that they’d go gay for a night just for Captain Jack. Naoko Mori is a superb actress with a background in theatre and was also ‘Titicaca/Sarah’ in another favourite show of mine, Absolutely Fabulous. Burn Gorman is a man to watch whenever he is on screen. He is so naturalistic and can slip into any role with ease. Gareth David-Lloyd was a relative unknown outside of Wales but soon wooed his way into the hearts of fans world-wide. Kai Owen playing the simply lovable boyfriend/husband of Gwen...

Then there’s Eve Myles. Bloody Gwen Cooper. This woman can act the socks off anyone. RTD once described her as Wales’ best kept secret. Eve gives me goosebumps. She is simply a phenomenal actress. I am trying to be careful not to gush too much but it’s sufficient to say that, out of EVERYTHING I love about Torchwood, she is the zenith. Let that be enough, otherwise I will harp on for pages…

Series One

Series one was very much a mixed bag of stories. Some see this as a show trying to find its feet and maybe that’s true. I found that it proved how versatile the show can be. Not only were we dealing with aliens, but we had time-travel, fairies, vile human cannibals and even paedophilia. Each week I was in for a new feast and I was kept on my toes not knowing what the hell was going to happen next.

Without doubt, the highlight of the season was Catherine Treganna’s Out of Time in which three people from 1953 flew into Cardiff airport and had to adjust to 21st Century life. It was moving, heartbreaking and simply wonderful. Other highlights include P.J. Hammond’s disturbing story, Small Worlds, about fairies at the bottom of the garden (he has not lost his touch from the days of Sapphire and Steel!!) and Captain Jack Harkness (again, by Catherine Treganna) in which we meet the genuine article from whom our lead hero took his name.

Series Two

Once Torchwood settled into itself, it knew the kind of stories it wanted to tell – and series two delivered in spades. The show was beginning to attract attention and was moved to BBC2 in order to gain a larger audience. Freema Agyeman from Doctor Who joined the cast in a guest role as the brilliant Martha Jones, and we had a number of guest stars including the likes of James Marsters, Alan Dale, Julian Bleach and Ruth Jones.

This season felt more confident. There was real camaraderie in the cast and the episodes were bolder. We learned a lot more about Jack and, for the first time, his brother, Gray.

Amonsgt some of the best episodes were couple more from the superb Catherine Treganna – Meat and Adam – two fascinating episodes; one about the way humans treat animals for their own personal gain; one about the need to fit in. This show wasn’t ever going to be about evil aliens... this was a show which had a heart and would elicit empathy for others.

There was also a beautiful insight into the nature of human life and our existence in the episode A Day in the Death by Joseph Lidster. It was a rather atypical episode but one which gave us pause to reflect on what it is to be alive.

The finale, Exit Wounds was stunning. I was genuinely in floods of tears when we lost two of our lead characters. When Tosh uttered the line “Because you’re breaking my heart”, mine broke too. It’s such a shocking but deeply upsetting way for two characters to leave a series. It still makes me tear up…

Series Three

Now it was confirmed that Auntie Beeb had a hit on their hands, the show was moved to a prime time slot on BBC 1. However, the format was to change. No longer made up of thirteen episodes, series three was to be just one story told over five consecutive nights. I, for one, was shocked when I heard this announcement. I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to get a full banquet and only a mere snack.

Boy, was I wrong.

Children of Earth as it was eventually subtitled, was one of the most harrowing but brilliant pieces of television in years. Aliens return to Earth to complete a deal made decades earlier which involves giving up the human children for one of the most disturbing reasons possible.

The dilemmas posed in this five-night spectacular were astonishing and provoked much discussion amongst viewers. One scene in particular stands out for me and that’s where a cabinet of ministers in the British Government try to determine how to choose which children to give up. This is pure drama and actually made me feel physically sick as it made us an audience ask ‘What would WE do?’

We had exceptional performances from all, but most notably Cush Jumbo, Paul Copley ("Egg's Dad!"*), Susan Brown and the future Doctor himself, Peter Capaldi. I would love to see Cush Jumbo return as Lois Habiba one day… The series ended on a depressing note with too many lives close to Jack lost. It was chilling.

Series Four

Miracle Day (provisionally titled The New World) was always going to suffer from the ‘Tara King Syndrome’. Linda Thorson wasn’t Diana Rigg and Miracle Day wasn’t Children of Earth. It was the "difficult second album" (or fourth in this case). This does not make it any less worthy. Some tiresome fans online were extremely negative about this fourth run, mainly because of the American input (which, frankly, reeks of insular thinking and parochialism and is barmy in this day and age!)

Yes, we had part American funding and a lot of American cast, but this didn’t take away anything from the show in my opinion. It just made the show more global (as it should be!)

The premise was gold – no one dying and the cataclysmic aftermath of such a population growth – we saw how it affected various people in society; the families who lost people close; the greedy corporate world; the media’s spin; the life of those who were supposed to die… it raised so many existential issues and it took us to places we would never have thought to go.

New members of the cast fell seamlessly into the Torchwood world such as Alexa Havin’s beautiful performance as Esther Drummond from the CIA, Mekhi Phifer as the cynical Agent Rex Matheson, Lauren Ambrose as the conniving Jillian Kitzinger, Arlene Tur as the ill-fated Vera Juarez, and Bill Pullman as the repugnant Oswald Danes, a killer paedophile who survived the death penalty to go on to become a star. What an incredible performance he gave. I should also mention the new blood of writers including Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s very own Jane Espenson!

For me, one of the highlights of Miracle Day was episode seven: Immortal Sins in which we get to visit a period of Captain Jack’s past that has severe consequences in the show. It’s a beautifully orchestrated piece of television and stunningly shot. And, even though it’s a Jack-centric episode, we still get a knock-out performance from Eve Myles… again!!

The larger universe...

Whether it was the mixed reviews or the lack of funding, we were not fortunate enough to see more of Torchwood on TV (I live in hope…) but the Torchwood universe is larger with books, comics and audio plays continuing to entertain the fans. The BBC Radio did a series of plays which were received very well. The company behind the behemoth Doctor Who range of audio plays, Big Finish, got the rights to Torchwood and we are now treated to superb stories on a regular basis featuring a lot of the regular cast (including the adorable Tom Price as PC Andy and, brilliantly, Indira Varma as the troubled ex-Torchwood operative Suzie Costello).

At the time of writing, we have been subjected to two series of audio adventures (six episodes apiece) and three special releases: The Torchwood Archive, Torchwood: Outbreak, and Torchwood One: Before the Fall. The latter is the highlight of the three specials as we delve into the history of the London base with Yvonne Hartman, played to perfection by Tracy-Ann Oberman. The writers of the Big Finish audios (including series writer Joseph Lidster), the books and the comics are true fans of this much-loved show. They know their characters and they really “get” what Torchwood is. Even if we never get it back on our screens, I am more than happy to listen to their adventures or read about them as long as people keep writing them.

One last thing; while I have been typing this, I have been listing to the Torchwood soundtracks on my iPod. Ben Foster’s score is absolutely friggin’ wonderful. Murray Gold’s main theme is a classic and I wish they would release his score for Miracle Day one day as it has yet to be published (I am unsure as to why Ben Foster didn’t do the score, but Murray did a grand job!). Torchwood is one of those entities where all the ingredients worked for me. The writers, the cast, the directors, the stories, the production, the ethos… I am very passionate about it and, frankly, I’m a die-hard fan.

Long may the legacy last.

* I always shout "Egg's Dad!" whenever i see Paul Copley in anything. He played Andrew Lincoln ('Egg')'s father in the aforementioned This Life. He got to shag Anna Forbes. Good on Egg's dad!"

Thank You

2017 is going to be the year that I reboot my life.

After over a year of job-hunting, I have finally found a position that suits me like a 1940s gentleman's garment. I won't go into great detail right now, but it's sufficient to announce that it will allow me to use my writing skills daily and also utilise my affable charm on a regular basis. It's part reception work, part communications officer. A very satisfying blend for me.

This new role is based in Sheffield, so I will be leaving Bristol and dragging my hefty arse "Oop North" next weekend before settling into my new job and my new routine within the coming weeks.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank a great number of people. I will, no doubt, miss a few as there have been SO MANY that have helped me and to whom I am indebted beyond measure...

Firstly, to my family. They have been superb in their support over the last thirteen months - both emotionally and financially - and that is something to cherish. Mum, Mac, Sarah & Ian, Matt & Jo et al.

There are friends who have gone beyond the call of duty in their assistance: Jamie and Kevin housing me, feeding me, and supporting me during my brief foray into the Bristolian community; Dean for his unending generosity (in various forms) and his nonchalant yet occasionally acerbic words of encouragement; Rick and Teresa for seeing my potential and actually "getting me"; Dan for his strength and understanding, despite being ten and a half thousand miles away; Chris for being his usual empathetic self and giving me virtual ego-boosts as and when necessary; Louise, Adam, Rohan and Vanessa for just being the greatest gang of friends I have ever known (and I never EVER felt like a fifth wheel!); Jane for continuing to keep on the lookout for ideal positions for me; Alison for being Alison. No one knows me better than Ali...

Crikey... this is beginning to sound like an Oscar acceptance speech!

If I have forgotten someone, please forgive me. I am only on my second mug of tea for the day - give me a break!

All my friends, new and old, have been understanding, caring and, frankly, bloody fantastic. It is safe to say that in terms of friendship, I am one of the richest people in the world.

Cheers to all my friends!

OK, enough of the puke-fest. Now I am back in the land of the living, I might even be more prolific on this blog and on social media. I need the impetus of routine and happiness to fuel my writing so be warned, I may be spamming your newsfeed more often this year. Ha!

I Won't Give Up

Since returning from Australia late last year, I have been going through some incredibly stressful and painfully traumatic experiences akin to attempting the obstacle race on the Krypton Factor.

These crippling challenges are both as vile and unpleasant as each other but are somewhat of a necessity if one wants to achieve anything in life.

They are:

Job application forms and Dates.

Long gone are the days where one spruced up one’s CV and delivered a succinct and coherent detail of one’s educational and vocational experience.

Long gone are the days of meeting people through social venues and getting to feel the vibes as you connect with another soul face to face.

Nah.

Everything now is online.

Each job I apply for has its own variation of a form to fill in and I have to repeat the same information over and over again. HOWEVER, there is never any room for possible discrepancies. e.g. I had a full time job whilst at University. One cannot explain this on the forms, as they don’t seem to think that such a thing would be possible. They also have mandatory fields for phone contacts of places that I worked that no longer exist. So, what happens? I leave things blank, the HR people look and think “Must be lying” and it gets binned (or deleted – wha’evs!) The most infuriating thing is after spending a good hour or so answering all their tiresomely pedantic questions about where one went to school, what grades one achieved, and to whom one sat in Geography class, they the ask you to upload a CV at the very end!!

When it comes to references, all of mine are in Australia and this makes it much harder to prove how bloody worthwhile I am. They probably just look at the ‘00613…’ and think “Fuck that!”

So, each and every laborious application for a job has left me frustrated and exhausted.

Pass me a bottle of red, luv!

As for dating…

I have tried a few of these phone apps. Oh, it’s appallingly depressing. A handful of pictures, a brief bio trying to sell oneself (for crying out loud, I was able to sell books about housewife bondage to Christian bookshops, yet I can’t sell myself for love nor money!) and all for nought as people simply swipe left because they catch sight of my lazy eye.

Even if one does make a rare connection, most just chat for hours and hours and then chicken out actually meeting because they suddenly realise they are married.

I have had a handful of dates:

• One admonished me for talking about sex
• One was so disinterested he left half way through
• And one was too interested and got a little rapey.

Crikey, lads… what is a boy supposed to do?

Pass me a bottle of bubbly, luv!

All the rejections from employers and suitors alike are becoming very wearing. I am feeling less and less of who I once was; a ghost of my former self.

Some day soon a company and a guy are going to find me fascinating, irresistible and charming. They will realise what they’ve been missing and all will be right with the world.

This should be a sufficient picture to depict 'all right with the world', don't you think?

Ain't Such a Bad Place To Be

I consider myself relatively lucky because I am in a position prior to a vote where I have a reasonably blank slate. I am not overtly politically minded and my views and opinions tend to be ill-informed and somewhat "piss weak" when standing up to any form of scrutiny. The reason I consider myself lucky is that the Eu Referendum is on Thursday and I have had plenty of time to become acquainted with the facts (after sifting through a minefield of propaganda and seriously odious bullshit!) - I also don't have any prior leanings or prejudices to stand in the way of a fair and controlled debate.

As I have only recently returned from living in Australia for the last sixteen years, I only had a brief knowledge of the main figures in British politics and the shenanigans they all get up to. I was too awash with the insanity of the Australian Government to pay much attention to my home-soil's circus.

So, what did I know about the UK and the bullies in the playground? well...

• Boris Johnson looks like an albino Baron Greenback from Danger Mouse
• Jeremy Corbyn looks like someone's dad who has popped 'round to ask us if we could keep the noise down
• Nigel Farage makes Hitler look quite charitable and easy-going
• David Cameron likes his sausage wrapped in bacon

Boris is pleased with his purchase of Grecian 2000.

Admittedly, not the greatest of knowledge when it comes to making a decent decision about the future of Great Britain, the European Union and the many generations to come.

It's an added complication when the current Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition is on the same side and one wonders what all the fuss is about, but that's something I have just accepted.

On the 29th May, 2016, an opinion piece was published in The Guardian written by David Mitchell where he voiced a fear that I shared. Basically, why get hoi polloi to make a decision that the experts have a better grasp on? Fair-dos, I believe in the notion of democracy and I think if the decision was made without my consent, I'd be a little bit miffed. However, not everyone is well-versed in politics (like me) and many won't even bother checking facts and will blindly give a knee-jerk reaction because they didn't like someone from the local pub's opinion (and they once knocked over his pint and the grudge still holds!)

"UKIP voters enjoying the British sunshine."

Anyway, this is not a blog post about the failings of the democratic system in place. This is about taking control of an opportunity and making the most of our right to vote... So...

My first port of call was to ask my friend Dan about his thoughts on the whole complicated issue. Dan knows more about politics than I know about Alfred Hitchcock movies, so I knew it would be a safe bet. He advised me wisely and fairly. I took all his points on board.

I then started researching the pros and cons. I learned about the impact on farmers, the various regulations imposed by the European Union, the allegations about funds, rebates etc., the whole immigration malarkey... gosh, my head was spinning.

I started to look for inspiration from those I admired and whose opinions I trusted.

In late April, the President of the United States gave us his opinion

and there was, oddly, quite a backlash. Now, call me a big old Leftie if you will, but I actually value the words of a leading Democrat who understands economies, prejudices and legal matters globally.

OK, if complainers want opinions to only come from local minds, then take a look at this piece from the rather spectacular brain of J.K. Rowling.

Yes, I know that some belligerent folk will whinge and say "But she only writes kids' books about magic!" to which I say "Don't be moronic imbeciles - the woman's a legend!" and that will be the end of that argument.

I can understand the notion about wanting to be an independent land once again, I really can, but I also want to relive my school days and not have to worry about bills, rent and politics - nostalgia is hindsight with rose-tinted glasses. It's not necessarily an idyllic paradise with rainbows and unicorns (er... not that Olde England was ever like that. I'm being facetious!)

Britain's future in the eyes of Nigel Farage - only with lots of white people too.

National pride is, on some levels, to be commended (however, I have often said that there is a very thin line between National pride and racism!) but one can still be a proud Briton in a European Union. No one is going to take that away from anyone.

Those who are worried about border control need to take off their pointy white hats and focus on a less insensitive/barking mad notion.

Also, if we do leave, you realise England will never, ever win the Eurovision Song Contest again. It's a point to consider...

As you have probably gathered by now, I will be voting to remain. I don't know all the facts but I have gone out of my way to listen to both sides of the argument. I trust the multitude of advisors, economists, politicians and (ho ho) celebrities (me being facetious again) who suggest that a future within the European Union is a future with vastly more strengths and possibilities. The fact that Farage, Trump and Putin think we ought to opt out is enough reason for me to stay in. The opinions of narrow-minded, egomaniacal bigots do not sway me one jot.

Also, John Oliver says we should and that's good enough for me. See John's take on Brexit here!

The truth is, there will be complications and problems whether we leave or stay. I just don't think anyone should be voting without doing a little bit of research and not take everything at face value. Vote with a conscience. Vote with a heart. Vote with a brain. Just don't vote with hate, anger and fear.

If you're a nerd like me and you're still perplexed by the whole issue, just think "What would the Doctor or Gene Roddenberry do?"

"...In, Out, In, Out, and Shake it All About!"

Victoria Wood (1953-2016)

Today, another of my heroes has passed away. Writer, singer, comedian. Victoria Wood was more to me than just a person off t'telly
I was only nine years old when I first stumbled across her brilliance. My Mum had taped episode six of Victoria Wood As Seen on TV one evening as she had been otherwise engaged - probably doing a dash of Shakespeare at the local AmDram ("It may be Hamlet, but it's got to be fun, fun, fun!")
I watched this one episode repeatedly and insisted on my friends watching it too. Luckily, the series was to be repeated later in the year so I was able to watch it all prior to the second series the following year.
I remember one particular evening when, although sent to bed early (it was a school night) I listened to the show on TV through the floorboards of my bedroom. I still recall becoming quite emotional after hearing Victoria sing the sad song 'Crush' through a few inches of wood and some tufted-shag.
Well, I became obsessed. No one else had touched in to my sense of humour quite like Victoria (and never has since). I watched everything I could lay my hands on (repeatedly), grew to know sketches off by heart. I had books, videos, cassettes, and then one day.... I got to meet her.
It was Tuesday 19th March 1991. It was at Wolverhampton Civic Hall. It was, quite possibly, the most exciting night of my life.

I laughed so hard that evening. Afterwards, I went back stage to get my copy of Up to You, Porky signed and I gave her a bunch of flowers and a letter.

I had no idea that she would respond AND it would begin an eighteen year correspondence.
Her first letter was brief (postmarked 9th April 1991 - I have kept all the envelopes! I may use the stamps to make a novelty lampshade one day).
I'd enquired about a certain dress from one of the sketches (Whither the Arts? - 'Bessie!') and had also invited myself 'round for tea and cheesecake.

Dear Ben - I'm afraid I don't have the orange dress anymore - I think Pat borrowed it for EastEnders. Love Victoria. PS The cheesecake is in the larder ready.
And so our little pen-pal relationship began. We wrote back and forth frequently and she even helped me out with my A-Level English Language course when I was writing about comedy. I studied an episode of Acorn Antiques and Victoria helped with questions I had about the show and her approach to comedic writing. Ultimately, my study earned me top grades and I owe some of that to Victoria. She was so kind and generous.
I met her multiple times after that and she even recognised me in a public place once! (...people hide in shop doorways when they see me coming because they feel inadequate!)
There was even a time when she gave me permission to perform an omnibus edition of her 'Carl & Gail' sketches at a revue night alongside my friend Gaynor Wall. (I played Carl, obviously.)

Gail

Carl... do you know the facts of life?

Carl

Some of 'em

Gail

Which ones?

Carl

Gravy. I know how that's made... and I know where me Mam's apron is!
Apparently, it went down quite well - we even got a mention in the Matlock Mercury.
Victoria Wood As Seen on TV is still heralded today as one of the finest sketch show comedies in British history (it's true!) and I never ever tire of it. It has always stood proudly at the top of my 'Favourite TV Shows of All-Time' list and will undoubtedly remain so.
Then, in the late '90s, she wrote and starred in one of the most quotable sitcoms ever - the sublime dinnerladies. Again, it only lasted two series (like ASOTV) and that was due to Victoria's insistence on not outstaying her welcome. Some TV shows go on and on to eventually become stale. Vic liked things to remain fresh.

What made Victoria so outstanding with her writing is that she never hogged the best lines for herself. She always knew her ensemble so perfectly that she could write to their abilities. Each character she writes has a beautiful depth beyond the outward caricature. Victoria could do pathos (and bathos!) like no one else.
Victoria's body of work was more vast than some realise. She is known, of course for her comedic songs and her superb ear for dialogue, but she was also a great dramatist. She won two BAFTAs in 2007 for her heartbreakingly beautfiul film Housewife, 49 based on the diaries of Nella Last - one for her writing and one for her performance as Nella.

This just added to her somewhat cluttered mantelpiece of glittering awards thrown at her over the years.
Just within the last hour or so, I have had numerous friends text, email, message me. Everyone who knows me well understands what Victoria Wood meant to me. She was my idol, my mentor, my Comedy God. I am tearing up as I type this.
I feel rather miserable by the fact that our correspondence dwindled and we didn't write for the remaining few years of her life - but I hope she knows that I truly was one of her biggest fans.
Maybe I have missed some other things to say, but I am a little overcome with grief. Maybe another time.
To paraphrase Mrs Overall; "Crying won't bring her back, Miss Babs!"
But, my god, I wish it would...

Gold

Trying to finalise a top ten list of my favourite films is not only daunting, but somewhat impossible.

(I just know I have compiled a list like this before, but I am not trawling through my entire blog just to check!)

I have so many favourite films. A list of one hundred would be easier.

How about a top thirty? (I started at twenty but kept thinking of others!)

These films are all personal favourites. They may not all be winners of great awards or even listed on lists by other film critics, but they mean something to me - and isn't that what really matters? In my eyes, these are pure gold!

So, in no particular order, here are my top thirty favourite films...

It's not the most butch list ever, is it?!

Clue (1985)

I don't think there is anybody out there who knows me well who doesn't already know that this IS my all-time favourite. I have seen it so many times and it never fails to entertain me. I know it (almost) word for word.

Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

A damn-near perfect movie (for me). It has drama, romance, comedy, horror, a singing plant... what more could you ask for?

The Haunting (1963)

Based on the seminal classic horror novel The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, this is a film that should be studied by those who churn out crappy jump-scare horror. Pure brilliance.

The Birds (1963)

I love Hitchcock films and to limit my choices for this list was very hard. However, this stunning slow-builder is simply terrific.

Strangers on a Train (1951)

My second Hitchcock has some superb set-pieces. This is the film that actually sealed the deal with my love of his oeuvre.

The Gay Divorcee (1934)

This was a hard choice as I have often cited 1937's Shall We Dance as my favourite Fred and Ginger movie. However, as I am limiting my list to thirty and I love all of their black & white collaborations, I choose this as it is the epitome of everything that is great about their films.

Mulholland Dr. (2001)

Lynch is a bit hit and miss for me but this is, without question, his masterpiece. It stayed with me for days after the first viewing. Sublime.

The Red Violin (1998)

A severely underrated movie, in my opinion. It's an incredible journey through various countries over generations. The soundtrack won an Academy Award (rightly so).

Easy Virtue (2008)

One of those movies that never fails to cheer me up. A perfect cast.

Repulsion (1965)

One of two Polanski films on this list. It's depiction of creeping insanity is delirious and captivating.

Ed Wood (1994)

Tim Burton's best film (as Director) and Johnny Depp shines as the earnest yet terrible film maker.

Death Becomes Her (1992)

Camp as Christmas and beautifully macabre. It has become a bit of a cult classic but I have always loved it (I saw it six times at the cinema!)

Psycho (1960)

My third and final Hitchcock for this list (I have so many favourites!) is the genre-defining, spine-tingling, utterly brilliant movie that terrified a generation.

Time Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Although not directed by Burton, this is his baby. It blends my love of Hallowe'en and the joy of Christmas all in one go.

Some Like it Hot (1959)

Seriously, it had to be on this list. It's an undisputed classic.

Tootsie (1982)

Onto another drag movie and another flawless piece of cinema. Dorothy Michaels is a masterpiece in acting.

Thelma and Louise (1991)

Ridley Scott is an amazing director and no one can deny the chemistry between Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon.

Sweet Charity (1969)

An incredibly under-appreciated film, this one. I adore it. It makes me cry every time.

Brief Encounter (1945)

David Lean, Noel Coward, Rachmaninoff... sheer heaven

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

Another film highlighting incredible chemistry. this time between Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell.

Dead of Night (1945)

An Ealing Studios classic. Michael Redgrave's performance is astonishing.

The Ladykillers (1955)

Another Ealing gem. Despite the stellar cast, Katie Johnson steals the movie as Mrs. Wilberforce (Mrs. Lopsided)

Singin' in the Rain (1952)

Yes, yes, an obvious choice. But is is brilliant and Jean Hagen is magnificent as Lina Lamont.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

Another Polanski. This one adapted from Ira Levin's novel. As far as I am concerned it is one of the best adaptations (book to movie) I have ever witnessed.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)

Macabre, camp and fantastic.

Alien (1979)

Another Ridley Scott. I much prefer this to Aliens but I also prefer Scott over Cameron any day!!

Barbarella (1968)

Jeepers. I do like the camper fare, don't I?!? How can anyone not enjoy this space romp?

Mary Poppins (1964)

Practically perfect in every way.

The Last of Sheila (1973)

Another murder mystery with a superb cast and a sensational plot by Stephen Sondheim and Anthony Perkins.

Murder by Death (1976)

A totally bonkers spoof but with class 'A' performances all 'round. (Although Maggie Smith steals the show..)

So, that's the lot. A few bubbling under the mark such as Bugsy Malone, My Fair Lady, El Orfanato, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark to name a few... I know I will wake up at three o'clock in the morning thinking "Why didn't I think of THAT one?!? but for now I am content.